Pants

Well to be more specific for the moment, Trousers. Men's trousers to be exact. I am bringing the full weight of my focus onto the thorny subject of, yes, men's legs, and what to wrap them inside. We might get to pants later, we shall see.

First a mental experiment. Try and envisage men's legs through their trousers. I don't know, just think of the last time you were in the proximity of a crowd of ordinary men. That's it. Hold that picture. It may be the tube this morning, or the bus, or the street. If you are very unusual you may be a camera man in the house of commons. Or even odder, the presenter at a photocopy sales conference. I don't know? It's up to you, this is after all your visualisation. If you are girl or bat for the other side on occasion you are not allowed to cheat and think of good legs, like those on a rugby team, or indeed a football team. Unless you are Rebecca Loos. If you are that Rebecca and you are reading this then you are allowed special dispensation because the legs you often see aren't the ordinary type of random white nobbly hairy stick or lumpy things I am imagining that most of you thought of on first thunk.

And MEP, think of accountants, not Military Fitness. That's cheating.

Right. Are we all there now? For most of us its not a pleasant thought is it? If it is then you might wish to refer back to the above and read again. Or you are odd.

Anyway, I don't have time to address the minority as this is a democracy. I have the pen, so I win.

The problem is this, at least from a male perspective. We have to cover them up in some way mostly, often when we go to work. Which trousers are really suitable?

I, for the most part lately have been wearing jeans. Yes I know we can't all wear jeans to work every day and quite frankly I'd rather not all the time but what are the alternatives? I have been looking around and there only really seem to be two options for the relatively non media office that's not in the city and therefore does not warrant a suit.

Option one: Black trousers that all seem to have the same characteristics, namely the consistency of an onion bag, with patchy shine after 3 wears and a high nylon content to attract cat hairs and fag ash in equal measures.

Option two: Faux, smart combats that I'm sure only work if you work somewhere where you think its cool to have a stupid haircut and you do web design.

So dear readers. Help me with this one. What is man to wear as an alternative to jeans? In the summer so he looks smart (but not too smart) and doesn't suffer either 'rucking in the arse / crotch area or enough static to drag children from across the street(now there's an unseemly thought...). And I don't want to model the 'post room' boy staypress creases either!

Your advice stencilled in red on the GPO box outside 11-14 Southampton Place WC1A please. Or your money back...

I may comment on pants later. We don't like to throw them away do we?