Blow Out

It was a frustrating start to the week at Fortress Towers where I ply my trade. Or at least I would if I was entirely sure what my trade is. Anyway I digress. By Wednesday lunch time my business partner in crime and I had had enough so we popped out to lunch. At 5 o clock we weaved back to the office fortified against the elements by a vat or two of Australian Chardonnay. In case you wondered I had Penne with tomato sauce and roasted vegetables.

At 6 o clock I should have gone home. You know what's coming don't you? A couple of drinks later with a work colleague found me in Blend and after a cocktail and a very large Cytrynowka I was going home. You know what's coming again don't you? Yes I hit the oblivion button. Oops.

The Duke had foolishly texted me to say he was at a drinks party and the object of his affections was there. Well I had to see, as having heard so much it seemed rude not to so I ran from Holborn to Liverpool Street, in the ice, and didn't fall over.

I didn't want to run you understand but the vaguely cold snap we are having seemed to have paralyzed the Tube network and those lovely Black Cab drivers had obviously decided that as it was cold they should stay at home. This often frustrates me as most of them live in million pound houses in my village. I think as soon as they earn enough money to buy such houses they should be stripped of their licenses which should then be redistributed to poor, struggling would be cab drivers so ensuring that enough of them are hungry enough to work of an evening.

As I was saying. I arrived hot, drunk and slightly sweaty. I met with the siren and noted that she was very tall. So tall in fact that I think she must regulary need oxygen. She was very nice but should the Duke ever succeed he will need a stepladder. And he's not a short arse by any stretch.

After that things become somewhat hazy, true, I do remember upsetting the barman after we ordered large brandies of an expensive nature at the death. Well he poured them over ice! Without asking!! I ask you, its not like I'm an ex trader from Essex who lives in the 80's am I?!

I remember laying in the snow like a starfish outside my humble abode and phoning people up to tell them how beautiful it was. I also remember making myself a fantastic triple decker BLT. I don't however remember eating it but I obviously did. Going to bed at some time around 2AM when completely lashed and getting up for work early in the morning is not a nice thing to have to do.

The one item worth mentioning though is I met someone just as pissed as me on the tube home. She kept dropping her handbag whilst trying to look sober. It turned out that she had gone out for lunch to, and not made it back either. So 'Lisa Fox' of Snaresbrook you deserve a mention in the Gardeners mid-week booze up hall of fame. I love the last tubes home they are so much more fun than the one on the way in. Cheers!

I've been next to useless today. Ah well, it couldn't be helped. I had a nice time.

Tube Mice

I love the mice that live on the Tube, or rather live in the Underground tunnels and stations. I love the way they scurry about in the minutes between the trains. I'm sure you have all seen them? If you haven't they are very small and have dirty shaggy coats but they all seem to be smiling. They remind me of Fagins children from Oliver Twist and I think someone should write a children's program about them. I'd watch it. For extra entertainment though London Underground could release snakes and cats into the network. Imagine the scenes whilst your waiting for that last tube home. Here Kitty Kitty....

The Bag Man Diversifies

Whilst I was getting a sausage sandwich yesterday morning (with HP sauce of course) I saw something I never thought I'd see. The 'Bag Seller' outside Holborn Station who regular readers will remember never EVER seems to sell a bag has diversified. The bags are still on the stall and still placed strategically just out of reach of any prying potential customers but he now has a whole range of winter gloves, hats and scarves. Better than that I actually witnessed him sell a hat and a pair of gloves to a passing chap. It may have just been his MI6 handler though? Further Investigation is necessary.

Audio Valium

Ahhh. Make sure your PC has speakers and that they are switched to the on position. Sit back and visit this page

The Tune

Recognise that tune? If not email me and I'll explain. If you do recognise it you will already understand.

The world is a lovely place again.

The current government we have should have been forced to listen to this along with the board of the BBC. If they had, perhaps we wouldn't be heading down the slipperly slope we appear to be on. Soon Private Eye will be the only place that actually dares to tell the oh so obvious truth.


thegardener1969@msn.com

Dish Of The Day

Some of you will know that as well as being a little green fingered I'm sometimes a dab hand in the kitchen, so I've been thinking of giving you lucky people a recipe or two now and again.

So to start this new feature off here's what I cooked for Slinx and I on Sunday.

Drumroll

Foil Roasted Monkfish with Baby Spinach and 'Cheats' Mashed Potato

To serve two you will need.

A piece of Monkfish Tail (about a 1lb in weight)

NB: Ask the fishmonger to remove as much of the skin / membrane as she/he can as they will no doubt have a sharper knife than you do.

I Lime
Lemon Thyme
Garlic
Red Onions
Salt & Pepper
Olive Oil
Silver Foil
Baby Spinach (1 Bag)
Cheats Mashed Potato (In this particular case Tesco's Finest with caramalised Red Onions)

Obviously you can use real mashed potato, new potatoes, or any other potato theme. I was just lazy.

Cut your fish into fillets, say 4-6 pieces, lay them in a bowl and season well with salt and pepper. Squeeze the juice of the lime over them, work in some roughly sliced garlic and a few splashes of good olive oil and leave to stand for fifteen minutes or so whilst you have a drink.

Then, take a couple of decent sized pieces of Silver Foil and rub one side of each with some olive oil, and place half the fish on each one. Add a bit more garlic and some thick sliced red onion to each parcel along with a good few sprigs of lemon thyme.

Turn your oven on to Gas Mark Fiveish for a bit and after carefully wrapping the silver foil parcels up so that they are sealed, put them in the oven.

Have a drink or two, chat and generally entertain yourself for 20 to 25 mins, unless of course you are doing non-cheat potatoes in which case, slave over hot steamy pans with them instead.

Chuck the cheats mash in the microwave.
Melt a little butter in a pan and throw in the baby spinach. Hear it scream, season a little and stir for a minute or two.

To serve simply place a foil parcel on each plate and dole out some spinach and mash.

Tres Bon!

Total cooking and prep time 45 mins.
Technical Grade: Easy Peasy.

You can of course use any old herbs and spices with this for a different theme. Try Thai for instance with some Lemon Grass Thai Basil and a little Red Chilli.

Mmmm, I'm hungry now....

thegardener1969@msn.com

A Class Act

At the close of the working week I hot-tubed it to meet The Duke for a few Friday evening beers. He was with a work mate 'The Gimp' who's nick name origins elude me. This was at the swoopily shaped Corney and Barrow wine bar, pub thing that stands on stilts overlooking the ice rink in the middle of the Broadgate complex by Liverpool Street Station. The Gimp left early and we observed the skaters for a while. Now The Duke was a few beers ahead of me and after we dissected his love live, or rather, his lack of current such diversion and then, further discussed his seemingly futile and long standing battle to capture the heart of his current affections, or at least her G string, he broke the conversation by stating "Lets do something tawdry". At least I think those were his words but if I have misquoted you get the drift.

We tramped off and had a few more beers in some cattle market bar that I didn't catch the name of, and then, when at the beginnings of blurriness headed to Old Streetish to Browns and then to Ye Old Axe, two pubs on the city and Old St end of the Hackney Road. I love their Web sites. Pure Class!

These are good value, old fashioned pubs with the added advantage that whilst you are supping your pint (or your G&T) lots of very friendly and remarkably underdressed girls wander about, and, from time to time twist themselves around poles, chairs and very occasionally punters before removing the last of their Victoria's Secret's. Good for them. I'm all for freedom of expression, especially as they seemed to be coining it.

The night was finished with a chilli laced Kebab of some note before I alighted the last tube home.

As nights out go, it was certainly fun. I blame The Duke.

Today I shall wear a hair shirt. Honest? I don't think so...

thegardener1969@msn.com

Who Are These People?

Can anyone tell me what a 'Metropolitan Community Police' Person is? Holborn and the West End seems to riven with them? I can't walk down the street without having to sidestep little clutches of them wandering about in their Police alike uniforms with dayglo orange jackets. Presumably the jackets are so they can't sneak about looking unobtrusive like a proper Copper should.

Can someone please explain?

The bag man seems to be watching them to. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's MI6, who knows?

Oops blog error below..I'm missing my headers in bold and the whole thing is unedited and hence full of typos. That's what hapens when you have a twitchy trigger finger...

The bar reviewed below is obviously called 'Mai Tai'

Never fear, we get there in the end.

Reports From The Front Line

This correspondant replendant in the invisible hard hat that London life requires has been quite busy.

Phuk That!

As the captivating Slinx and I met early on Wednesday with a view to film going we thought a quick drink before an early meal would be in order. We chanced across a bar that looked promising on Shaftsbury Avenue. You can't miss this place as its on the North Side of the avenue about 100 yards from Piccadilly. It looked promising. The decor and seats were very welcoming in a pink and wood fusion. We decided to follow the ancient rule of 'When in Rome' So a 'Mai Thai' and a 'Pleasure Punch' was ordered from the waitress. The promise ended there...

These were the worst so called cocktails I have ever had the misfortune to be served. Did they come in a can? The supposed Mai Thai' semed to consist entirely of Sunny Delight, which would be fine had you ordered that, whilst the 'PLeasure Punch' was anything but. On the cocktail menu it stated that it (obviously) contained "Lime Juices" The whole glass seemed to contain undiluted 'Roses Lime Cordial' Which again would be cool if you suddenly felt a need for acidic sugar and had a bout of scurvey coming on.

After a sip or two, an argument and a polite frown they went back.

We left and did not pay.. Do not ever, ever go here.

The Gardener has spake.

Things got better

We skipped elsewere for a quick snifter and then went to the Thai Pavilion for nice food. If you go here expect reasanable prices, good service and pretty authentic food. Also either book or arrive early and ask for the top floor. This is only applicable if you are stretchy of limb as it is traditional Thai seating. eg you sit on the floor with low tables. Not being a girl and hence not being manufactured from sweet flavoured rubber bands I didnt find this quite as easy as perhaps I would have liked but I perservered and enjoyed it.

A Movement of Air

The film we went to see was 'The Mighty Wind' which is a send up Folk Music from the late sixties from the same team that years ago brought us the classic 'Spinal Tap'

I was expecting a cruel and hilarious piss take of everything folk. Instead what I found was a very sweet film in which the team had obviously really fallen in love with the the idea and coudnt bear to tear at it to much. I watched our fellow film watchers. For the first 30 minutes or so every sweet (and sometimes effective amusing observation) was met with laughter and expectation. Then the audience was slowly drawn in untill I noticed that the characters had won everyone over so no one wanted to believe that this was a spoof. The end spoilt the illusion by trying too hard to remind you that this was all make believe. I wasnt dissapointed by what I found, but would have been happy to pay to see it? THis means to me at least that it works as a fantasy.

I wonder though if this film would have got anywhere had it not have been preceded by the great 'Spinal' comedy.

Hmmm. Its up to you.

As this was obviously at The Rex the evening was finished off with a couple of excellent Vodka Martinis. Civilised cinema is a beauiful thing.

The Possible Return Of The Great

I appear to have rediscovererd some of my verve. I have projects in mind. Watch out small world.


thegardener1969@msn.com

Leading Down Garden Paths

Now Im sure that you, my teeming fans think that writing this diary is easy. Please allow me to educate you. Sometimes its bloody vexing! Sometimes the fact that I went out on Friday night (of course) and then had a wonderful weekend with many sights, sounds, experiences and lovelyness is not quite enough to give me a theme to entertain you with. So I muse, and indeed sometimes ponder life's rich tapestry.

So for once I wont tell you what i've been doing and where, or even, perhaps with whom.

I'm not being petulant. Im just having an off 'writing' day.

I also have my garden paths on my mind so will be regailing you with that thorny issue soon.

Watch my space, I insist.

thegardener1969@msn.com

The Magic Of Theatre

Last night I accompanied a slightly tipsy Slinx to The Rex to see a flick. Its a small cinema and you can hear the projector whirring in the background.

One Last Chance

This is a sweet film, with a tight perfomance by the cast. It has pathos, laughter and a hint of dirt. All of these things encouraged me and I shall look out for more from this director. Lets just hope that Stewart Svaasand doesn't get any more sentimental than he already is, or I think he might go downhill.

I enjoyed it.

Faster Faster Till The Thrill Of Speed Overcomes The Fear Of Death: - Dr. Hunter S Thompson

This morning, two men in a high sided truck tried to kill me. After they (though I will assume that there was only one of them actually driving) had swerved in front of me on the scenic North Circular road forcing me to not only brake, but lock the wheels of my chariot and skid slightly sideways for a second or two, I swore.

I also hit the car horn. In my naivity I thought this might have woken the driver up to the fact that he had nearly mashed an innocent.

But no.

As I regrouped behind the red and white 'stupid-mobile' the window was wound down and an arm came out expressing what he thought. That's odd I thought a friend of mine once owned a company called Index Finger.

I wonder sometimes whether eugenics was such a bad idea?

Shaken, but please note NOT stirred I arrived home. Perhaps they knew it was me?

The Longest Day

The day off was not productive. The man didn't arrive about the paths and I didn't catch the bloody Mole. In the end I sought solace in my friends, and so, we have a naughty, out of time cocktail, just for you. (Yes you!)

I assume this is a variation on a common theme? I wonder what its called?
You will need.

Chilled Martini Glasses
Shaker
Ice
Grapefruit Juice
Limes
Brown Sugar
3 Year Old Havana Club Rum
Triple Sec

Pour the following into the cocktail shaker and shake.

1 measure of fresh lime juice (approx two and a half limes)
1 measure of Havana Club rum
1 measure of fresh Grapefuit Juice (from a carton will do)
Half a measure of Triple Sec
1 full tea spoon of brown sugar

Voila!

Garnish with a lime twist.
Drink
Make another six or so.
Update your blog
Worry about your diction
Collapse

thegardener1969@msn.com

Mouse the Cat

My Cats name is Mouse for reasons that I may explain another time. I felt as he doesnt see enough of me I should treat him, so I just gave him a plate full of prawns.

He loves me dearly again, fickle little beast.

thegardener1969@msn.com

Ashes to Ashes...

Friday found me full of good intentions. Luckily a long lunch soon put paid to them! On Friday evening I found myself having drinks with The Princess in The Enterprise which is a funny little music fuelled pub in Old Street. It turns out the owner of this establishment grew up next door to The Princess in Yorkshire, wherever that is? Its just opposite Browns (the long established strip pub) A few beers here and the evening was finished quite early by my standards in a bar/club that I like a lot, - Mother. As I said it was an early finish, so midnightish saw me glassy eyed in McDonald's, Liverpool St and tucked up in bed by one thirty. It had to be an early one. I had work to do on Saturday...

I rose early (well about 11) and carefully had breakfast whilst planning my assault. Armed with gloves and secateurs (my weapons of choice) I set about various pruning tasks in the garden. No bush was spared the cutback and I even dug out a particularly huge, vicious but badly placed Buddlia Davidii (Black Knight in case you were curious) Some of you forget that I am indeed "The Gardener".

I laid out an old wooden pallet and the bush trimmings then charged screaming at the house. I grabbed the creature feature curtain and the bonfire was built. After flames that would have easily melted Joan of Arcs amour and charge of the Light Brigade smoke effects I emerged victorious, covered in ash like an extra from Lord of the Flies. I chanted "The king is dead! Long live the king!" and I do believe that the neighbors were reminded why they sometimes think of moving.

Its amazing how small things please simple minds isn't it?

I shall keep a vigilant eye out for more of the little buggers.

A Party, The Wheatsheaf and The Phoenix.

Saturday night found me with the captivating Slinx at a party in Waterloo. We didn't stay too long but it was a nice crowd and faces needed to be shown. We moved on to see Mr H and other stand up comics perform their craft at The Weatsheaf pub in Rathbone Place. Sadly we arrived to late for Mr H's set but as usual "Crazy" Ivan the compere was excellent, as were the other funny people. It only costs a fiver to go to this and (I think?) its on every Saturday night. Its only a small room above the pub. I think it can seat about 35 but when its full and the mood is right its a lot of value for a fiver!

At around 11.30 the comics were gagging for a proper drink so we decamped to the Pheonix club on Charing Cross Road. This was another new place for me and 'Oh yes' I shall be returning. Properly titled the Phoenix Artist Club this is a members only club where lots of comics, compare's and struggling thesps go to get very trolleyed after attempting to entertain the struggling masses. Its open until at least 3AM

I would describe it as a big, underground student union bar with velvety drapes but no smell of vomit and a very relaxed attitude. The crowd was very mixed as was the music. Did I hear Eminem followed by the theme from Flashdance? The odd semi-famous comic was also to be spotted lying face down in drinks.

Prices are, well cheap. Which was good as I am on an economy drive

It was a much needed change. Mr H enjoyed himself, Slinx enjoyed herself. I did to, but when more Lemon vodka shots were bought I lost recollections. Was ANYBODY sober in that place?

I am becoming a member.

Sunday Quietness

There was only one thing for it. I wore sunglasses in January and went for breakfast at lunchtime at Smiths. Whilst I didn't have one, the fishfinger sandwiches looked very good. After food and a rather unpleasantly spiced Bloody Mary I nearly felt well enough to take my shades off. I didn't.

Instead a quiet Sunday ensued. I made nice cocktails and watched Mad Max (the second one) in the evening. It seemed fitting after the garden carnage at the beginning of it all.

Until next time children, sleep tight.

thegardener1969@msn.com

Strange Creatures in My Curtains

Now I know its still darkest January but London does appear to be developing an almost spring like attitude. Albeit early, the papers talk of bullish forecasts, people are hiring again and there are rumours that we will all be rich by the end of the year. Well if this is the new economy these days then it will do for me. Perhaps even the bag man is selling?

Right! You can all wake up now. No snoozing at the back or I may have to order a detention!

Oh The Hoathster seems to be still employed. Which is nice.

I had a lovely lunch today at a new place. Its a bit out of the way for me in 'Noho' (that area above Soho and in the hinterlands to the north)

Navarro

I really didn’t think you could find proper Tapas in London. I was obviously wrong. This is an old fashioned Tapas restaurant, eg. its been going for years and years. I was taken there by Slinx for a much needed escape from executive toil. If you know me you may laugh at that statement but heh? I had to work once, quite hard (well, for a bit at least) to get to where I am now. The food is authentic, i.e not over fussed, nor truly extraordinary, but it is truly Spanish. I should know. My Mum lived there for 10 years or more (or at least in the Canaries). I recommend this place and will go again. If you find yourself lost at the top end of Charlotte Street then go. At once.

The Creatures

I returned home this evening to find a cryptic note from my cleaner. Now Anna is not chatty at the best of times, but the post-it note read....

"Happy New Year
looks like
something has
been chewing
at your back
door curtains"

Hmm I thought?

I looked at the big white drape to the left of the patio doors and mused. It seemed fine to me. So I unhooked it and delved into the fabric. Horror! Fragments of white heavy cotton fell out like confetti. The curtain looks indeed like something has been chewing on it. Anna had neglected to mention the numerous 'scary' slow moving black grubs about the size of a match head that seem to have caused the damage. I didn’t like the look of them and didn’t want to hang about in case they panicked and swarmed at me. So I went out to see my friend Mike W (who currently has a broken toe in case you wondered)

I’ve just got back. They are still there. I’m sure they can sense my fear and are hatching a plan, especially as there are lots of curtains in the house.

What do I do? Do any of you know?

Answers on postcards please and quick!

If you don’t hear from me soon assume the worst.

thegardener1969@msn.com

PS: I’m sure they are watching me.....

London Lurches Into 2004

Like a tortoise staggering slowly from hibernation, London lurched into a new working year. It seemed to me that whilst most people were in town on Monday there was a certain lack of fighting spirit about. Possibly, for many people including myself it was an all day horror due to getting up in the dark and trying to remember where we worked and what it is that we do when we are not lazing about and having a nice time.

Well, moping just wont do! We shall see if the energy switch goes on in the next few days.

I went to the gym after work. Now this is not an unusual thing for me to do, but it was tricky due to the sweating, pink massed hordes in their new sports tops who obviously scrawled "Errrm, get fit!!" on their New Year resolution list. I'm sure they will get bored by next week and free up some locker space again. I do hope so...

The battle against cigs continues... I may cave in to patches at this rate...

thegardener1969@msn.com

One Down, Lots More To Go (We Hope)

Alternatively: Where Am I?

A happy, prosperous and healthy new year to all. And good luck thoughts to the poor blighters still alive in Bam.

Well, what a year that was! Many changes and much carousing. I expect to have a calmer 2004, health and wealth demand it. It has indeed been a excellent year though with many new friends and lots of new opportunities beckoning.

Many thanks to the cast, old and new (in no particular order)

JM
Mr H
The Hoathster
Steve the bald one
The Duke and everyone in the Wapping mad house
James (wear an earthing strap) Larsson
SoozieQ
Taya (Porn Queen extraordinare)
Pink Haired Girl
The lovely Walton
Alison (How many pairs of shoes?)
Dani
The Minx
The 'other' Minx
The Princess
Basia (fashion is spinning around like a satellite darling!)
Zzzzz
Slinkx (good things come in small packages)

Thanks to Location crews at

Blend
Detroit Bar
Lab Bar
The Rex
The Wellington Club
Smiths of Smithfield

...and too many other crews to mention.

Cocktail for the month of January

My New Years Eve saw me at a party in the Wapping Mad House. It was quite wild. 3AM found me behind the bar seeing what more damage could be done. This drink worked as a serious hammer finisher to a number of people I served it to. Errrm including me.

You will need

Lots of very pissed people
Lots of very stoned, wired and happy people
Lots more people in between
Light Show and Glitter Ball
Cocktail Bar
Pool Table
Fireworks

Ice
Vodka
Campari
Orange Juice

Martini Glasses (they were all I could find as the very drunk, "look at me I wear a parka and try and be Liam Gallagher" guy fell over a few times, once onto a table full of glasses breaking dozens. Sadly he didn't hurt himself..)

Throw ice in glass
Drunkenly fill to about half way with Vodka
Slosh in a slug of Campari
Top up with Orange Juice

Serve trying not to spill it. It was quite nice this.

A special mention to 'James' (another James) who kept making Vodka Martinis, a man after my own heart, if not my liver.

There are pictures on the Interweb from this party, email me if you'd like to see.

Oh I went to see Lord of the Rings (part 3)

I really liked the giant elephant things.

I'm going to try and give up smoking. I'm very scared. Please email me encouragement.

All the best to you all!

thegardener1969@msn.com

PS: I forgot to add a good lunch at the Victoria Stakes in North London. Go here, the food is good and its also a great pub. They also do some cocktails....