Children - Who Needs Em?

This morning I drove to work. I'm not going to feel guilty about it either. I got to listen to the radio (XFM today) I got to chat on the phone to my Mum (Yes with a headset thingie) and I got to travel with lots of light and occasionally crispy hazy sunshine filling my world. My air conditioning system meant I breathed relatively fresh air. I had a comfy seat. It was bliss. My door-to-door journey took 56 minutes.

Yesterday I caught the tube to work. I got to listen to someone else radio (tinny crap FM I think?) I got to hear two, exceptionally boring, dead from the neck up, shoe shop assistants discussing Heat magazine with lots of accompanying cackling and rabid donkey noise laughing, and I got to travel surrounded by the bizarre lighting which London Underground deems is necessary. I reckon they bought the lighting from some ex-dictator who had decided to change his ways and join the hippy trail. He obviously didn’t need the lights from his torture cell blocks any more as he had turned them into wine cellars. I breathed in other people’s aromas. It could have been worse; at least I had a seat. My door-to-door journey took 65 minutes.

Hmmmm.. I should point out that normally driving to work isn't half as nice. It normally takes an hour and 20 minutes or if really nasty much more….

So why the luxurious drive in through empty streets with smiling pedestrians and happy relaxed old people I thought, as I courteously waved the scaffold lorry on in front of me with a cheery, devil me care wave.

I'll tell you. No children, yes that’s right, you heard. No children, anywhere. Its half term you see and the little darlings get yet another week off school and as they are off school their parents aren’t driving their huge, stupid space wagons to school either. Ergo empty roads.

This led me to thinking. What use are children in cities anyway? You don’t see them as they are in school in the daytimes and mostly in homes (or on street corners) at night. They don't contribute anything useful at all. For instance in my 10 years of car ownership in and around London not once has an enterprising child with a grubby bucket tried to earn a few quid by cleaning my car. You can't even use them to clean chimneys these days or even air conditioning ducts. So in short our lives are made more difficult by lazy, noisy, non-productive children who just take, take, take and get in the way. Whilst wearing bad clothes.

I say move them into the countryside, into camps. Just think, all the teachers would be happier as they wouldn’t have to moan on about not being able to afford to live blah, blah, blah. Even better we could spend less time listening to them moaning! Many of the old people would get some piece of quiet and even the children might benefit whilst they learn such things as peas don’t grow in packets, or that meat comes from animals with eyes, and most importantly of all. I could drive to work every day and enjoy the trip at the same time.

I think I should be in charge…Vote for me on the ‘put kids in camps’ ticket! Or perhaps make them go to school all night and sleep in the day?...