Wasps and the Leaflet

Good Mooorning Vietnaaaam!

Oh *ahem* sorry. Wrong script and I don't have a hairy enough back.

Waspish Wasps

What is it about these creatures? They really are the football thug of the insect world aren't they. They share the same intelligence are just as randomly aggressive and if they could, I bet they would wear Burburry caps, chav like jewelery and have their knuckles (if they had hands) dragging along the metaphorical ground.

Even The Duke has been victim. At the weekend he was on a fact finding mission to Cambridge. Whilst taking a breather he phoned me up and laughed at me for saying how the bloody wasps were making my garden time a nightmare.

He soon stopped laughing however as unbenowns to him, whilst he had been enjoying mirth at my expense, a couple of the aforementioned yellow and black troglodytes has slipped into his cool can of beer.

Oh yes. I said "Told you it was no laughing matter" as he later hove into view with a face reminiscent of John Merrick due to stings on the inside of his lips.

A state of emergency

It was with great excitement that I received the booklet from our beloved government entitled "Preparing For Emergencies, What you need to know". I nearly missed it completely as it was shoved through my door along with double glazing leaflets, pizza delivery menu's and stanahh stairlift adverts but I digress. I also tell lies, as there ware actually no pizza delivery leaflet. That's just one of my fantasies. Can you believe that I live somewhere within 40 minutes of the very center of London (on a good day driving very fast) and no one will deliver pizza to my door. Its no wonder I'm not eating at night properly...

Where was I? Oh yes. The "Preparing For Emergencies" booklet. I am afraid I must report that it does no such thing. There is no sections entitled.

"Its a week before pay day and you really need a big night out, ring this number and we will give you the money"

or.

"The girl / boy I love doesn't fancy me"

or even (for some)

"Which shade of blond is the right blond for me, right now"

In fact as an emergency handbook it ranks in usefulness terms along with 'Where's my kippers' a story of a lost Scottish fisherman's struggle to cope with divorce on Shetland, and 'Lassie'.

You will get one to, you will see. The really hilarious thing about it are the photographs of the people that are responsible for reassuring you / us / me that all will be fine providing we stay in doors, watch the telly and wait for them to sort it all out, The lady at the top is named "Debbie Spargo" and she is the "Chief Executive of the emergency Planning Society"

Take a look you will see what I mean. She looks like she would be well at home in the WI meeting of Frinton on Sea. She doesn't look anything like the person I want in a crisis. She doesn't for instance look anything like Bruce Willis in Die Hard or any James Bond, nor even steely like the retired Paddy Ashdown. In short I want some grit and determination.. not a nice cup of tea. And I love the fact that she obviously musn't be calledd 'Deborah' lest we think shes a bit up market. Ahh the joys of writing something to appeal to everyone. Dammed impossible if you ask me. Oh you didn't?

I think what I don't like much about our current administration.. (oooh did I say administration? Sorry *cough* government. They think we wont notice anything if we all have a nice cup of tea down at the WI and stay in.

I think I'll keep going out and looking around ta.

Other News

My cat seems to be worried I may not be eating enough and for the past few weeks been trying to feed me mice, at night, usually at around 3 AM. He shouts in cat voice "look what I have for you". Its not nice, he keeps getting blood on the sheets.

Even worse I returned home recently after a heavy night out to find that he had, with precision, dropped a mouse into a glass of water by my bed. It had obviously drowned there unable to climb out. Nice!

Going to this this weekend.. \o/

South West Four